


Not Worth Enough

by beanthebabe



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: 2 years in the future (Lance is 19 Keith is 20 etc.), Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Depression, Guilt, Homesick Lance (Voltron), Hunk & Lance (Voltron) Friendship, Hunk (Voltron) is so Pure, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Japanese Shiro (Voltron), Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Keith is kinda a dick, Lance & Pidge | Katie Holt Friendship, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, M/M, Multi, Sad Shiro (Voltron), Self Harm, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Shiro (Voltron) Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Shiro (Voltron) is a Good Boyfriend, Social Anxiety, Socially Awkward Keith (Voltron), Space Uncle Coran (Voltron), Suicide Attempt, happy ending i swear
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-16 01:36:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11818464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beanthebabe/pseuds/beanthebabe
Summary: Lance had been doing better. He hadn't done anything since he started dating Shiro. He was happy!Then everything started going downhill.





	1. He Had Been Doing Better

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic 
> 
> WARNING: Self Harm and Suicide Attempt

Foot steps echoed down the hallway, Lance wiped his tears.

Stupid Keith, stupid Keith and his stupid mullet. Lance hated him, he started walking faster until he reached his destination.

He quickly opened the door and walked inside, locking it behind him. He was back in his old room. There was nothing there now though, since he had moved into a bigger room with Shiro. Just his old bed with only a single blanket and pillow.

He sighed, then walked into his old bathroom reaching around under the sink. Once he found what he was looking for he pulled it out into the dim lighting, the razor he had taped under the sink.

He had found it in the infirmary a few months into being on the ship. He taped it there so just in case anyone happened to be in his room they couldn't accidentally find it.

He stared at the razor thinking, he hadn't used it in a while, not since a few months before he started dating Shiro.

He smiled to himself. He loved Shiro, he really did love him. Shiro only knew a little about the problems. About his problems, he didnt want to worry Shiro. He had his own problems, bigger problems. He was held captive by the galra for a year and got his arm torn off for fucks sake, he didn't need to hear about Lance’s anxiety attacks or depression.

It was fine, Lance was fine, it was all fine. He had been getting better. He stopped having anxiety attacks and he stopped feeling useless, he had gotten better. But stupid Keith, stupid fucking Keith had to come along and remind him how worthless he really was.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lance’s breathing started to pick up. 'No, no, nonono, not now it had all been fine! I was better!' Or had it. Had he really been getting better or was it all just in his head? Had he just been pushing it all away, to the back of his mind?

He started to hyperventilate. He looked down at the razor again. 'Just do it, you've done it before. Why don't you just end it already, finally be useful and get out of the damn way.'

He started crying again, bringing the razor up to his wrist.

'That's right, you're just a seventh wheel. You could be easily replaced. No one wants you. Not Allura or Hunk or any of them. And especially not Shiro. Do you really think he likes you? He probably asked you out out of pity, or he got annoyed by all your flirting with the aliens and decided to put a stop to it. He won't even touch you! Sure a few kisses here and there, he probably thinks you're unattractive. So ugly, all those scars. He's probably with Keith right now, touching him in all the places he won't touch you. Because Keith is so much better than you in everything-'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Lance?" he heard a muffled voice ask, followed by loud knocking.

"Shit, ok" he whispered to himself as he put the razor away and quickly splashed his face with water, trying to cover up his red puffy eyes. "Yeah I'm here" he yelled back, still trying to make it seem like he didn't just have an emotional breakdown.

"Lance, open the door!" he recognized the voice as Pidge.

He walked over to the door unlocking it, the door flew open to Pidge and Hunk standing outside.

Hunk sighed "Dude, we were looking everywhere for you-"

Pidge interrupted, "Allura want’s us for dinner."

Lance groaned "Now?"

"Yes, right now, let’s go!" Lance groaned again as Pidge dragged him out of the room and down the hallway.

"Uh, Pidge?" Hunk suddenly spoke up "Can you leave us here for like, a second? I wanna talk to Lance."

Pidge glared at him "Fine, but you better hurry! I don't wanna get yelled at!"

She continued walking, Hunk waited until he couldn't hear her foot steps, then he spoke.

"Lance, is everything okay?"

Lance looked up at Hunk, he looked genuinely concerned. Hunk was the only one who knew about Lance’s "problems", he sighed.

"Yeah Hunk, just having a bad day."

"Well, if you wanna talk about it, I'm here"

Lance gave him a small smile "I know buddy, now common! We gotta head to dinner before Allura kills us."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dinner was, well, Horrible.

Keith had refused to apologize to Lance, which pissed off Shiro, which resulted in Lance being the cause of an argument.

Which caused Pidge to start yelling, and Allura to try and calm them down.

Which made Lance feel like it was all his fault resulting in Lance trying to hold back his tears, noticed by Hunk.

Causing Hunk to start yelling and defending his best friend. And for Lance to run out of the room crying.

Everyone immediately stopped arguing. Shiro made everyone apologize before he went after Lance.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lance was back in his old room. He grabbed the razor and some bandages before going to a spot he knew no one would find him.

He climbed all the stairs leading to the top of the castle where he found the small room he'd occasionally go to calm himself down. He walking in and curled up into the corner of the room, still crying.

He sat there and pulled his sleeve up, he cut. He cut and cut and cut. He cut his arms, his stomach, his thighs, his legs, he just kept cutting.

Once he was done he leaned back and marveled at his handy work.

'Wow, so you're actually good at something.'

He looked them all over again one more time before wrapping them up. He fixed himself up then started making his way back towards his room with Shiro.

Hopefully Shiro wouldn't be there so he could quickly change in peace. But as soon as he opened the door he saw Shiro sitting on their bed.

Shiro looked up at him. "Lance!"

He ran towards him and wrapped him in a hug. Lance tried to hold it back but he made a yelp as Shiro touched the cuts.

Shiro automatically let go.

"Lance what happened? Are you ok?!" He asked in concern.

Lance could only look down, he was starting to feel guilty. "Yeah, I'm perfect. Just tired" He faked a yawn.

Shiro frowned "Oh, okay.. Where were you? We were all looking for you."

Shiro looked Lance over carefully, looking to see if anything was wrong or out of the ordinary.

"Oh, I was just walking around, trying to clear my head.." Lance responded looking away from Shiro.

"Keith wants to apologize for lashing out on you."

Lance frowned. "It's fine, he doesn't need to."

Shiro didn't reply, something was wrong, really wrong but he didn't know what. He kept looking Lance over.

"Okay, well, how about we get to sleep."

He went to reach for Lance’s jacket but Lance suddenly pulled back, Shiro froze.

Lance forced himself to laugh. "Jeez, Shiro you scared me, I didn't expect that."

"Sorry." Shiro automatically said starting to wonder why Lance was avoiding eye contact.

"Well uh, I think I'm gonna sleep in my old room tonight.." Lance said it suddenly.

"What? Why?" Shiro was shocked, they hadn't slept separately in months.

"Just want some alone time."

"Lance, you know you can talk to me.."

He tried to look Lance in the eyes but he turned away and grabbed his pajamas.

"Goodnight Shiro, see you in the morning."

Shiro watched him walk out of the room, "Goodnight Lance."

Once the door was shut, Shiro layed down. Something was seriously wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He eventually got up and ready for bed but as he was about to fall asleep he realized something.

 There were bandages sticking out from Lance’s jacket.


	2. Bandages

Shiro knew what he was gonna do, he had it all planned out.

He was going to go to Lance’s old room before breakfast and talk to him. He was going to find out why he was acting so strange and what was with those  _bandages._ But the universe was not on his side. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Shiro ran down the hallway, he didn't know where he was going but he knew it was important he get there._

_Suddenly he was in Lance’s old room but Lance wasn't there._ _He heard water running from the bathroom._

_He ran in and stopped dead in his tracks by what he saw. Blood. Blood was everywhere._

_Then he saw Lance curled up in the corner. He looked so small. He was covered in blood, so much blood. Way too much blood._

_The realization hit him like a truck. Lance was dead._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shiro woke up covered in sweat, he looked over to the empty spot next to him. Lance wasn't there.

He started to panic before he remembered Lance had slept in his old room that night. He let out a sigh of relief before he started to panic again.

The dream had taken place in Lance’s old room.

Shiro quickly got out of bed, he looked at his clock. '6:37 CT' (castle time) he had about an hour and a half before breakfast.

No, he couldn't wait that long, he had to make sure Lance was okay.

He walked out of the room and down the hallway, starting to walk at a faster tempo.

"It was just a dream, he's fine." He muttered to himself.

' _Was it really? Is Lance **really** okay?' _

Shiro started running.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lance woke up to the sound of heavy footsteps coming from down the hallway.

What was going on? Was the castle under attack? He hadn't heard any alarm.

Lance got out of bed and grabbed his jacket, putting it on. He was about to turn to the door and leave but it shot open.

He looked over to see Shiro standing in the doorway and breathing heavily. "Shiro?"

"Lance! Are you okay!?" Shiro quickly walked towards him.

"Yeah, I'm fine, what's going on?" Lance grabbed Shiro by the arm and led him over to the bed to sit down.

"Nothing, I just had a nightmare and wanted to make sure you were okay.."

Lance swallowed the lump in his throat, he had left Shiro all alone.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"..I'd prefer not to but uh, can I stay here?"

"Oh uh sure.. We only have about an hour till breakfast anyways."

"Yeah.."

They sat there in awkward silence, which was strange since Lance was never quiet.

Lance opened his mouth to say something but Shiro spoke first.

"Why didn't you wanna sleep in our room?"

Lance froze. He had been expecting questions but he didn't know what to say, he felt so guilty.

Shiro turned and looked Lance in the eye but Lance quickly looked away.

"..Did I do something?"

Lance answered quickly. "Wha- No! Shiro, you did nothing wrong, it's just.." He still didn't know what to say.

"Lance, you can talk to me, just say what you're thinking. I want to know what happened so I can help you!"

Lance looked at the floor, he felt so guilty.

He was making Shiro worry, he had more important things to be worrying about. He shouldn't be worrying about  _Lance_.

"I know, Shiro. Just don't worry about it, okay? I'm fine!"

He got up and turned in a circle so Shiro could see his entire body.

"See! Perfectly fine!"

That's when Shiro remembered,  ** _the bandages_**. "Lance."

"Yes?"

"Why was your arm bandaged up?"

Lance let out a small gasp.

"I saw it in our room. Did you get hurt?"

Lance started to panic, what was he supposed to say?

"I hurt myself during training."

"When? Why didn't you say anything, it must have been pretty bad if you needed bandages."

"No, it's not important. I'm fine, I took care of it."

Shiro stared at Lance, something wasn't right.

"Can I see?"

He started to reach for Lance’s arm.

"No!" Lance said much louder than he intended as he pulled away.

"..Let’s just go to breakfast okay?"

Lance put on his slippers before walking out of the room.

Shiro sat there thinking. Why was Lance being so distant? Why had he reacted like that?

He sighed before getting up and walking out of the room.

He needed answers and he was going to get them. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Breakfast had been awkward.

Lance wasn't talking to Shiro and Shiro kept staring at him. Everyone could feel the tension.

Did they get in a fight? Keith wondered while looking at them.

"Okay!" Coran stood up.

"Today we are going to be cleaning the castle! I'll split you up and give you different spots to clean!"

Coran looked at all of them, Keith and Lance really needed some bonding so he'd start there.

"Lance! You and Keith can clean the training deck!"

Lance groaned. "You're kidding me! Anyone but Keith!"

Coran continued talking. "Shiro, Pidge and Allura can clean the control room! And Hunk can come with me to the engine room!"

Everyone got up and went to where they were assigned to clean.

Shiro took one last look at Lance before leaving with Pidge and Allura.

Lance started walking to the training room, leaving Keith behind.

"Hey, Lance wait up!"

Lance started walking faster.

"Lance!"

Keith ran to catch up. "Hey, I just wanted to apologize for yesterday. I shouldn't have lashed out on you like that."

Lance turned and glared at him. "Why are you apologizing? Because Shiro and Allura told you too?"

"Well uh yeah... But I realized I shouldn't have done that, so I'm sorry."

Lance walked into the training room and turned around to face Keith. He pointed at him.

"I don't need  _your_ apology!"

Keith glared at him "What the hell Lance? I'm trying to be nice and apologize and you're trying to start a fight with me!"

Lance raised his voice. "No, Keith! I would accept your apology if it was sincere! The only reason you did it was because you were told too!"

"Well, sorry I listen to my leader unlike you! You think you can do whatever you want just because you're dating Shiro! Well, you can't Lance! Do you even like him or are you just dating him for the benefits?!"

Lance was furious, he couldn't believe Keith had just said that.

"Are you fucking kidding me!? If anyone acts like that it’s you! We all know you're Shiro’s favorite! And I cannot believe you just said that!"

Lance was yelling now, the whole castle could probably hear him.

"I love Shiro! He may not feel the same way but I really do love him! How would you even know, Keith?!"

"You know what Lance? You're right, he probably doesn't love you. How could anyone ever love  _you_. I'm sick of this, you're not even worthy of being a paladin! I always wondered why the blue lion picked you! You're worthless, Lance!  _Worthless!_ "

Keith stopped talking, realizing what he said.

"Fuck, Lance, I'm sorry I didn't mean-"

"No, Keith. I know I'm worthless, you don't have to fucking remind me!"

Lance was holding back his tears as he screamed at Keith.

"And I'm sure you know if Shiro loves me since he probably tells you everything! Just like how he's probably fucking you! Cause I'm so ugly, why would he want to touch me when I have all these scars! Well you can have him Keith! I'm done with this, clean the floor by yourself."

Lance walked by Keith towards the door. "Fuck you, Keith Kogane"

Lance walked out and the doors shut.

Keith stood there in shock, did Lance really think that? That Shiro and him were.. together? And he thought he was worthless? Keith hadn't meant to say that, he was just mad.

Suddenly the doors flew open.

Keith turned and saw Hunk. Hunk stood there glaring at him.

"I heard everything." Hunk sounded mad, Hunk was never mad.

Hunk walked over and slapped him, Keith gasped.

The doors flew open again to the rest of crew.

"Where’s Lance!?" Hunk was practically yelling.

Everyone was shocked, they had never seen Hunk so upset.

"I don't- I don't know." Keith answered back and Hunk glared before turning and walking out of the room. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Turns out everyone had heard everything. Everyone immediately started looking for Lance, but no one could find him.

They were all upset, Hunk and Shiro both refused to talk to Keith and wouldn't stop looking for Lance.

It had been a whole day and still no one could find him.

Shiro started looking on the top level of the castle, it was the only place he hadn't looked. He was about to give up before he heard it.

Crying.

He walked towards the sound and looked around the corner to see the source of the sound.

It was Lance. Standing on the railing of the balcony that overlooked all the castles floors.

If he jumped from there he would be dead for sure, and Lance knew that. That’s what he wanted.

Shiro’s breath caught in his throat.

Lance wiped his tears. "No, I told myself I wouldn't cry. I have to do this, it'll improve everyones lives."

Lance took a deep breath.

"Then maybe Kashi can be happy."

He took the last step off the railing, ready for gravity to do it’s job. 


	3. Worthless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG FOR ME TO UPDATE I HAD NO WIFI AHHH

"Fuck you, Keith Kogane."

Lance walked out of the room and continued walking down the hall.

Keith was right, he was worthless. It's not like he didn't already know that though.

He hated Keith but he hated himself more. So much more.

He was letting the tears flow now, he had been holding back so Keith wouldn't see.

He continued making his way to the room and once he got there he collapsed on to the floor starting to hyperventilate. 

' _Just do it already, you heard him. Worthless. He called you **worthless**.' _

Lance started crying harder and curled into a ball. The room felt like it was getting smaller and smaller. He squeezed his eyes shut. 

"Go away, please, please go away." He muttered before he passed out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lance woke up. Where was he? Then it came back to him.

He curled up into a ball again. What if he did end it? Would anyone even care? Hunk had Pidge, Allura had Coran and,

Lance took in a deep breath. Shiro had Keith.

Lance felt the tears forming in his eyes again.

 **Keith.** He hated Keith so much, he was always better than him in everything. He always took what he wanted.

The tears started falling again. He was just a stupid seventh wheel. Where do you even see a seventh wheel? Maybe a third or fifth wheel but never a seventh wheel.

He felt so useless, no, he  **is** useless.

Then Lance saw it, the razor. He crawled over and grabbed it. He didn't have many more places to cut.

He rolled his sleeves up and looked at the bandages. He took them off and looked at the lines, most scabs but he could still see the older ones.

The one’s Hunk knew about.

Oh Hunk, he would be so upset if he found out. He had made a promise to him that he would never hurt himself again.

He started to get up, he needed Hunk. He needed to find him right now- 

' _No. He has Pidge remember? He doesn't care about you anymore.'_

"No we're best friends, he'll be there for me he'll-" 

_'No,_ _you're worthless! Remember? Keith said so himself'_

"No I'm-" He looked down at the razor.

He was worthless. God he was so worthless, he started to cut on any space he could find. Some of the cuts reopened. Blood was getting everywhere.

He started to feel tired, he laid down on the floor.

"Maybe if I lay here long enough, I'll just bleed out."

He couldn't help but laugh. It wouldn't work, nothing ever worked the way he wanted.

He laid there on the floor just thinking about his life. About his family and his friends, and about Shiro.

He loved them all so much. But he knew they were better off without him.

He laid there for what felt like hours.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He thought about his teammates, were they looking for him? Probably not.

Keith probably told them everything and they had probably all laughed. Laughed at how worthless he was. He laughed too.

How could someone be so worthless? He continued laughing, laughing until he was crying.

He started to get up, but he didn't know what to do. 

' _Do it Lance. Do it. End it. END IT NOW.'_

Lance looked at the razor and all of his scars. He could just cut deep enough to bleed out..

No. He needed something else.

Then he remembered, wasn't he 40 or 50 floors up? He could just jump off that balcony, yeah, he'd be dead for sure. Gone, and out of everyones way.

He walked out of the room, towards the balcony.

He started to climb on to the rail, he climbed up then gained his balance and stood there looking down. Yeah, that would be a long fall.

He realized he was still crying, he wiped his tears. "No, I told myself I wouldn't cry. I have to do this, it'll improve everyones lives."

He took a deep breathe. "Then maybe Kashi can be happy."

' _Do it do it do it do it do it do it **doitdoitdoitdoitdoitdoit DO IT NOW!'**_

He took the last step off the railing, ready for gravity to do it’s job.


	4. Useless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk why it's taking me so long to update sorry. Just school and stuff. So a short update with angst I'm so sorry.

Lance closed his eyes, taking the last step off the railing.

He felt a strong pair of arms grab him around the waist and pull back. They both fell backwards and on to the floor, causing Lance to gasp.

He got up and turned around to see who grabbed him, to see who stopped him from finally doing something useful. He made eye contact with them. 

_Shiro._

He gasped again as Shiro got up and started walking towards him.

"Lance-"

Lance interrupted him. "No! Let me do this, let me do something useful for once."

Shiro flinched. "Lance, stop. Come on, let’s just go downstairs and we can talk and-"

"No, I don’t want to talk, just leave Shiro. Please."

"Lance, I can't let you do this. You're important to the team! You're important to everyone and you're important to _me_!"

Lance closed his eyes again, he couldn't look at Shiro. He had to do this. He wouldn't let anyone stop him.

"No, I'm not. I'm useless, I do nothing right. I just wanna go home. I just-" He started crying again.

"We can go back to Earth, we'll talk to Allura and go. I promise Lance, please, let's just go downstairs and we can talk."

Shiro started walking towards him again.

Lance’s eyes flew open.

"No! Stay away from me!" He backed up against the railing and looked at Shiro.

Then he saw it, the look of desperation and worry on Shiro’s face.

He choked on his sobs.

"Get away, please, please, please just leave. Just go!"

"I'm not leaving Lance, not without you." He looked down and saw how much blood was on Lance’s clothes. "Please, Lance."

Lance started to shake. "Oh god Shiro, just go!"

Then they both heard it. The sound of footsteps coming up the stairs.

Lance let out a whimper before he started climbing over the railing.

Shiro ran towards him and grabbed him just before he let go. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The rest of the crew ran into the room to see Lance trying to get out of Shiro’s grasp.

"Lance, stop moving, I don't want to hurt you!"

"Just let me go! Let me leave, please!"

Lance looked over to see Hunk, they made eye contact before he quickly looked away.

But as he did he saw Keith. He saw the way he was looking at him. He was in absolute  _disgust. He was disgusted by **Lance.**_

Lance fought even harder to escape from Shiro.

Running back into his special room, he tried to lock the door. But Shiro was there before he could.

He kept moving until he got what he came for.  _The razor._ He picked it up and put it to his wrist.

As he was about to drag it down, it was grabbed out of his hand and thrown across the room.

He ran to grab it but was grabbed around the waist and pulled on to the ground.

"No, no, no stop!"

Shiro held him tight as he sobbed.

"You ruined it! I was so close! You ruined everything!"

He kept sobbing as Shiro ran down the stairs.

"I was so close, why'd you have to ruin it Takashi.."

Lance felt drops of water splash his skin. He looked up and saw Shiro crying. Then he blacked out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Lance looked around, he was on a beach._

_Wait no, this was his beach. From home._

_He smiled and ran into the water. He looked out at the ocean, it was so beautiful._

_He heard Shiro laugh. He turned to look for him._

_He saw him further down the beach. He cupped he hands around his mouth."Takashi-"_

_He stopped. Keith wrapped his arms around Shiro and pulled him down into a kiss._

_Lance turned away and closed his eyes._

_"No." He whispered to himself. "No, no, no."_

_He opened his eyes again and just saw darkness._

_He turned around and gasped, shocked to see the other paladins._

_Pidge glared at him in disgust before turning away. Hunk wouldn't even look_ _at him._

_Then he looked at Shiro and Keith. Keith smirked at him with Shiro’s arm wrapped around his waist. Shiro looked at him with disappointment._

_"Shiro-"_

_"No Lance, stop, you're off the team. We can't have someone as worthless as you here."_

_Then he turned and they all walked away while laughter filled the room._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lance woke up suddenly, sitting up in bed. He looked around the room, no one else was there. This was his and Shiro’s room, how did he end up here?

He looked down at the bandages all over his body, before he started to sob.                                 

He had failed  **again.**


	5. Promise

Everyone ran down the stairs behind Shiro who was holding on to Lance like his life depended on it.

They ran into the infirmary and Shiro placed Lance into a healing pod.

Once Coran finished setting it up everyone sat down at a nearby table. They all looked at the healing pod as they sat in silence.

Finally, Hunk spoke up.

"Lance didn't want me to tell anyone but because of everything that happened I need too."

Everyone turned to look at Hunk.

"Lance was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when we were twelve. He started taking pills after that and he still needs them."

Pidge started to cry.

"Why wouldn't he tell us!? I could have fixed something up! Or we could have gone back to Earth!"

Coran walked over to the table. "What is it?"

Hunk explained it to Allura and Coran. They both looked at him in shock.

"That sounds horrible! Do all humans suffer from this?!"

"No, only some people."

Shiro looked up at the group for the first time.

"I knew something was wrong. I should have made him tell me."

Hunk put his hand on Shiro’s shoulder.

"It's okay, Shiro. I saw how he was acting too. I should have spoke up about it-"

"No. I saw his bandages last night. He didn't even sleep in the same room as me. He flinched when I touched him. God, why didn't I do anything."

Everyone stayed quiet.

"I'm sorry." Keith looked up at Shiro and Hunk.

"It's my fault, I didn't know what he was going through."

Shiro stood up.

"It's not your fault. But I am disappointed in you."

Suddenly the healing pod opened and Shiro automatically moved to catch Lance.

"What happened?! He's only been in for an hour! The cuts are barely closed up-"

Coran walked over and checked the pod.

"It need’s to be fixed. The wounds are closed up enough for us to just bandage them."

Shiro looked at Lance.

"Why isn't he awake yet?"

"It's because he was suddenly pushed out by the pod. He'll be awake soon. It'll be best if you take him to your room and put him in bed."

Shiro only nodded while he laid Lance down on a medical bed and watched as Coran bandaged him up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once Lance was in bed and mostly everyone had gone to their rooms, Shiro pulled Keith aside.

"Why were you and Lance arguing?"

Keith started fiddling with his knife.

"He was upset that I only apologized because I was told too. Then I said at least I listen to my leader.."

Shiro nodded his head.

"And he said I was your favorite."

Keith tried his best to not cry.

"I said.. that you probably don't love him."

Shiro stared at Keith in shock.

"And I called him  _worthless._ "

"Keith.."

"After that he said  _I know._ He fucking said 'I know'. What the fuck does that mean!?!"

"Keith, calm down."

Keith didn't try to hold back his tears anymore.

"He thinks we're  _sleeping together._ He said 'why would he want to touch me when I have all these scars'! I should have gone after him, but I was frozen in place like a fucking  _idiot!_ "

"Keith, it's not your fault. You didn't know what he was going through."

Keith wiped his tears and hugged Shiro. Shiro hugged him back, then forced a smile onto his face.

"You should get some sleep, okay?"

"..Okay.."

Keith began to walk down the hallway to his room.

Shiro waited until he was out of sight before walking into his room.

As soon as he saw Lance he started to cry.

"Oh, Lance.."

He walked over and sat on his side of the bed.

He sat there and just thought and thought and thought.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A loud knock on the door, snapped him out of his thoughts. He looked at the door before quickly looking back at Lance.

"..It's open."

Coran walked in.

"Good morning Shiro, get any sleep?"

Shiro didn't answer, Coran sighed.

"How about Allura and you go get some food!"

Allura stepped into the room.

"What if he wakes up?"

"I'll stay here and watch him! I'll let you know right away if he wakes up!"

Shiro got up and walked over to the door, Allura looked at his bloodstained clothes.

"Um, maybe you should change.."

"I'm just going to get food and I'm bringing it back."

Allura sighed and followed Shiro out of the room.

Coran started to pull a chair up next to the bed before multiple loud knocks came from the door.

He walked over and opened it, finding Pidge and Keith.

He stepped out into the hallway, closing the door behind him.

Pidge looked up at him. "Is he awake?"

"No, but soon!"

"When?"

Coran smiled at her. "Anytime now-"

"I want to see him."

"Not right now-"

Pidge started to cry.

"I want to see him now!"

She tried to fight her way past Coran but Keith grabbed her and dragged her away.

Coran stood outside the door for a few minutes before walking back in and gasping.

Lance was sitting up in bed crying. "Lance!" 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lance looked up in shock.

"Coran-?"

"Don't move! I'm going to get the others!"

"No-!"

Coran was already out the door.

Lance started to get up and cried out in pain.  _ **You deserve it.**_ He frowned and slowly made his way to the bathroom.

As soon as he locked the door he remembered his dream. He remembered the looks Keith had given him.

Lance collapsed on to the floor. He started to hyperventilate. 

_No, no, no._

Lance heard the bedroom door open and soon after someone started banging on the bathroom door.

"Lance?! Lance, let me in!"

_Shiro._

Lance couldn't breathe. He didn't deserve to breathe.

Shiro started slamming himself against the door in a desperate attempt to open it. Lance cringed.

_Deep_ _breathes. Deep breathes. Deep breathes._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once Lance had started breathing normally he unlocked the door and it flew open.

Shiro ran in and hugged Lance. Lance sat on the floor frozen.

  _Keith. Shiro smelt like Keith._

Lance pushed Shiro away and gagged.

He crawled over to the toilet before throwing up the little food he had left in his stomach.

"Lance-"

"Get out."

Shiro froze.

"Lance, you can't be by yourself-"

"Well, then send Coran or Allura because I don't want to see anyone else."

"You can't just-"

Lance wiped his mouth and stood up.

"Get the fuck out now."

"Why-"

Lance pushed Shiro out of the bathroom.

"Get out!"

The bedroom door flew open and everyone came in.

Lance slammed his fists against Shiro’s chest and started to cry.

"Get the fuck out now!"

Lance was pulled back by someone, he turned to look.

  _Keith._

Lance pushed him away.

"Don’t you dare fucking touch me-"

Lance ran back into the bathroom and dry heaved into the toilet.

Everyone watched Lance in shock. He got back up and looked at them all.

"What? Just because I tried to kill myself, I have to be sad? You all ruined it for me."

Lance glared at Keith, Keith stared back at him with wide eyes.

"What is it, asshole? Are you in shock? Oh, poor disgusting Lance tried to kill himself! Big fucking deal! People die everyday."

Keith choked on a sob. "I am so sorry-"

"Were you forced to apologize again?"

Keith continued to stare at him.

"Did any of you hear me? Get the fuck out!"

Everyone quickly left the room except for Hunk.

"I said-"

Hunk frowned at him before sighing.

"You broke our promise." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS TOOK SO LONG TO POST GJFIUAHUAIHBAUI


	6. Brownies

Lance froze, his voice cracked as he spoke.

"Oh god, Hunk I'm so sorry-"

"I don't care if you're sorry. Three years ago you  _promised_ me you wouldn't hurt yourself. Five years ago you  _promised_ you wouldn't  _ever_ try to _end your life_ again!"

"I'm sorry-"

"No! Sorry doesn’t matter now! You tried again Lance, you broke out promise!"

Lance flinched, Hunk never raised his voice.

"I’ll-"

"You'll what?"

Lance started sobbing.

"I don't know! I don't know what to do! I kept thinking 'I need to go to Hunk!' but then I'd think 'No, he doesn't need you, he doesn't need a burden'!"

Hunk started to cry, his lip quivering.

"Lance, I love you! We all do, I can't even imagine life without you!"

"You're ly- lying! I'm just a seventh wheel! I have no use here! I just want to go home, I miss my family so much!"

"I would never lie to you Lance, we've known each other since we were four! I known what you've been through and I know it's hard! Then all of the sudden we're launched into space! I know it fucking sucks!"

Lance wiped his tears and grinned before he started to laugh.

"..You know, that's only the third time I've heard you cuss."

Hunk looked at him in surprise. "Are you- This is a serious situation!"

Lance started laughing harder.

"Lance!"

Hunk couldn't help but laugh too.

"Stop, your laugh is contagious!"

Lance finally stopped laughing.

"I had a dream earlier."

"Yeah?"

Lance started to fidget.

"Can you make sure everyone's gone?"

Hunk stepped out into the hallway, only to find Coran.

"Ah! I made them all leave, I just wanted to let you know the thing you’re making is almost ready."

"Oh, get it out of the oven for me when it's done please."

“Sure thing!”

Coran quickly walked away and Hunk stepped back into the room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lance and Hunk sat down on the bed.

"So, what happened in this dream?"

Lance took a deep breath.

"I was at my beach. It was... so beautiful."

"And?"

Lance stared at the wall.

"Shiro was there, so I called out to him but then that asshole came out of no where!"

"Who?"

"Keith! And he fucking kissed him! He kissed him on  _my_ beach! I swear I'll kill him!"

Lance started to shake.

"...Did you wake up after that..?"

"No. I shut my eyes. When I opened them it was just darkness but then I turned and-"

Lance started to shake even more.

"Lance-"

"Pidge was looking at me in disgust and you wouldn't even  _look_ at me. Shiro had his damn arm around Keith and he said 'You're off the team. We can't have someone as worthless as you here'."

Hunk frowned and looked at Lance.

"You all walked away. You left me. You all left me! And this horrible laughter filled the room. I woke up after that."

Lance stared at Hunk with tears in his eyes.

"Please don't leave me."

"Lance, I will  _never_ leave you but you need to promise me the same thing."

Lance looked at the wall again.

"Look at me!"

Lance slowly turned to face Hunk.

"Promise me."

Lance took a shaky breath.

"I promise."

"You promise what?"

"I promise I will  _never_ leave you."

Hunk burst into tears again and moved to hug Lance but froze.

"Can I touch you?"

Lance quickly nodded and Hunk carefully pulled Lance into a hug.

They stayed like that for a long time and just cried.

Eventually Lance spoke up.

"You smell like honey..."

"You smell like sweat."

"Wow, thanks."

They both laughed before Hunk looked Lance dead in the eye.

"But I'm serious. If you ever try something like that again, I swear you will never even see another garlic knot in your life!"

Lance smiled and hugged Hunk again.

"..Okay, I won't."

A knock suddenly came from the door, Hunk quickly got up and opened it.

Coran was standing there with a tray of brownies.

"Oh, thank you!"

Hunk cut a piece out and handed it to him.

"Here, it's really hot though so wait a little bit."

Coran smiled before walking down the hallway. Hunk walked back into the room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"While you were asleep we talked about some things."

Lance looked up at Hunk and took a small bite of his brownie.

"Yeah?"

"I told them."

"Well I guess that's to be expected."

Hunk stared at him in disbelief.

"You're not mad?!"

"No, I have no reason to be mad."

Hunk nervously smiled.

"We all agreed that someone has to be with you at all times. The door has to stay open and all sharp objects have been hidden away."

"My door has to stay open? Who decided that?"

"Keith was the one who came up with it."

Lance glared at the wall.

"Asshole."

"Hey, it's just to make sure, well you know."

Lance sighed.

"Yeah, I know."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They spent the next week in bed talking about past memories. Lots of crying and laughing was involved.

A series of knocks came from the door.

Hunk started to get up but Lance ran to the door opening it.

Pidge looked up at him and gasped.

"Lance!"

"Hey."

She shoved some headphones into his hand.

"I made you these!"

Lance smiled at her.

"Thank you-"

"Pidge? You're not supposed to be here-!"

Lance looked over to see Keith and Shiro.

Everyone froze and looked at each other.

Lance started to shake.

"Lance?!"

"Ah-!"

Hunk quickly got up and tried to close the door but Keith forced his way in.

"What are you doing?! It's been a week and you haven't left your room once!"

Lance was starting to feel nauseas.

"Go away-"

"No! We've waited long enough!"

Keith grabbed Lance and pushed him onto the floor.

"Don't touch me!"

"You're making everyone worry! Shiro hasn't slept for days!"

Lance tried to push Keith away but Keith pushed him down again.

"Answer me, asshole!"

Lance couldn't breathe.

"Lance! Fucking answer me!"

Lance punched Keith in the face, knocking him back.

"I told you not to touch me!"

Lance punched Keith again.

Keith growled before getting up and shoving Lance back.

"Answer me!"

Lance moved to hit Keith again before gagging.

He turned and tried to run to the bathroom before he threw up all over the floor.

Keith froze and Pidge ran up to him, tears falling down her face.

"What the hell are you doing!?"

Pidge slapped Keith causing everyone to gasp.

Shiro ran in and pulled her back.

Hunk helped Lance into the bathroom.

Lance threw up again.

Hunk started to clean up the barf while Shiro dragged Keith and Pidge out of the room.

Hunk sat the headphones on the bed and went to check on Lance.

"Lance, you okay-"

Lance was passed out on the floor. 


	7. Oops

Lance laid down in the medical bed.

"Can I go back to my room now?"

Hunk looked down at him.

"No, your cuts reopened when you... Uh, hit Keith and the pods are still down."

Lance groaned and closed his eyes.

"Aha!"

Coran suddenly stood up.

"I know what I need to do, but I need Pidge’s help.."

"Is that ok-"

"Yes, Hunk, it's fine!"

Hunk gulped.

"Uh.. ok."

Lance looked down at his bandages.

_**Stupid. You're making him upset. This is all your fault. Imagine if he never met you. He would be so much better off.** _

Lance grabbed on to Hunk’s hand.

"I'm sorry for snapping at you."

Hunk gave him a sad smile before squeezing his hand.

"It's okay, but we need to talk-"

The door flew open and Pidge stepped inside.

"Ah! Pidge, you're here already!"

She made her way over to Coran.

"So, what do you need my help with?"

Lance stared at Pidge. 

_I wonder what she thinks of me. I hope she doesn't hate me. **She does.**_

Hunk stood up.

"I'm going to get some water, I'll be right back."

Lance nodded before looking back at Pidge.

He continued staring before he realized she was looking at him.

Coran snapped his fingers.

"Lance?"

"Wha- yeah?"

"We're finished."

 Lance looked at them in surprise.

"Already?"

"Yep!"

"So.. What is it?"

Pidge grabbed a small blue pill and walked over to him.

"Basically, we took the same chemicals used in the pods and put them in this pill. It won't heal your wounds automatically but it will speed up the process."

Coran walked over to the other side of the bed.

"Also, you won't enter a sleep like state like you would in a pod. Although you may feel a bit.. strange."

Lance hesitantly looked at the pill before taking it.

"So, I just swallow it?"

Pidge and Coran both nodded before smiling at him.

Lance placed the pill in his mouth and swallowed.

"Do I have to stay here?"

Coran started putting supplies away.

"Nope, you're free to go! I'll take you back-"

Pidge quickly interrupted.

"I can take him back! Well, if that's okay.."

Coran looked at Lance who gave a small nod.

"Fine with me, I'll let Hunk know!"

Lance got out of the bed and slipped his slippers on.

"Thanks, Coran."

"No problem, Lance!"

Lance followed Pidge out of the room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I'm sorry about Keith. I shouldn't have come to your room."

"It's not your fault-"

Pidge grabbed on to Lance’s arm.

"It is! You should have told us about your depression and anxiety! I could have helped!  _We all could have helped!"_

Pidge started to cry.

"You almost died! I already lost one brother, I can't lose another! We all love you so much!"

Lance wrapped Pidge in a hug and held her as she cried.

"I'm not gonna say 'It's all okay' because it's not. I fucked up, I should have told you guys. I was just embarrassed and I didn't wanna be even more of a burden-"

"You are _not_ a burden! You're part of this team. You're a part of this  _family!_ If we lost you, nothing would be the same. I thought my heart was gonna stop when I saw Shiro trying to hold you back from- ..from the-"

Pidge started to cry even harder.

"Oh god Pidge, I  _never_ wanted you to see that. I am  _so, so, so sorry."_

Lance started crying and hugged Pidge tighter.

They stayed like that for a while before Pidge wiped her tears and looked up at Lance.

"We should go, Hunk is probably freaking out."

Lance smiled sadly at her before they continued the walk to his room. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lance laid in his (and Shiro’s) bed with Hunk on one side and Pidge on the other.

The Little Mermaid played on Pidges laptop.

They all made jokes and sang along to the songs before Lance noticed Pidge had fallen asleep.

He gently nudged Hunk.

"Wha-"

"Shh!"

Lance pointed at Pidge.

Hunk looked over before turning off the laptop and sitting it on the nightstand.

Lance took of Pidge’s glasses and sat them on the laptop.

Hunk turned the lights off and got back in bed.

"Goodnight, Hunk."

"Goodnight, Lance."

Lance closed his eyes and smiled. He felt so happy. Genuinely happy. 

_I guess I kinda forgot what happy felt like._

Lance fell asleep quickly with a small smile on his face. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lance woke up.

  _It's so dark._

He waited for his eyes to adjust to the darkness before getting up.

He looked at the clock in the corner of the room.

**4:13 CT.**

Lance frowned.

He had only slept for about three hours.

He closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep.

He laid there for a few minutes before groaning and carefully crawling over Pidge.

He walked over to his desk and felt around for his 'phone' and headphones.

Once he found them he walked out of the room and down the hallway.

  _I'm just getting some water and taking a walk. Nothing big. No one will know._

Lance walked into the kitchen and poured himself some water.

He plugged the headphones into the 'phone' and hit shuffle on the music Pidge had helped him download a while ago.

He started walking down the hallway just as Toxic by Britney Spears came on. He hummed along before stopping and leaning against the wall.

Lance felt.. tired? No, not tired.

He walked into the closest room.

_The observation room._

Lance sat down on the floor and looked out the window.

Something was definitely wrong. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Keith left the training room and started walking down the hallway.

The castle was always eerily quiet at night, besides the soft rumble of it's engines.

He walked by the Observation Room before stopping.

He walked back over to it and pressed his ear to the door.

"I try to laughhh about it, cover it all up with lies. I try and laugh about ittt. Hiding the tears in my eyesss. Cause boysss don't cryyyyy, boysss don'ttt cryyyy."

If it was any other time of day and Lance wasn't currently on suicide watch, Keith would have laughed.

He stepped into the room.

Lance was laying on the floor by the window with his eyes shut.

"Lance?"

"I would break down at your feet and beg forgiveness, pleaddd with youuu. But I know that it's too late and now there's nothing I can dooo."

Keith pulled the headphones off Lance’s head.

Lance’s eyes flew open and he sat up.

"What the fuck-! Ew it's youuu. What? Looking for another fight?"

"What are you doing?! Why are you by yourself?!"

Lance got up and pointed his finger at Keith.

"That is none of your business, Mr. Nosy Pants."

"What's wrong with you-? Wait, are you.. drunk?"

"Ha, I wish!"

Lance sat down in a chair that was a few feet from where he had been laying.

"Soooo, how are things with  _my_ boyfriend?"

Keith looked at him in shock.

"What?"

Lance rolled his eyes before smirking at him.

"Is he good?"

Keith gasped before blushing.

"I would never-!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever don't lie to me."

Lance picked up his cup before dropping it causing it to break.

"Shit! Look what you did!"

"Me?! What is wrong with you, I need to clean this up."

Keith walked down the hall to where the closet of cleaning supplies was.

Lance stared at one of the larger shards of glass.

He picked it up and brought it closer to his face.

"It's so.. strange?"

Keith walked back in with a broom, his eyes immediately widened.

"What are you doing?!"

He reached for the shard but Lance pulled his hand away.

"You're gonna get hurt!"

Lance pressed the shard into his hand.

"Oops." 


	8. Rivals: Part 1

Lance let the shard fall to the ground.

He stared at his hand in shock. 

Keith quickly disposed of the glass before trying to get Lance to the infirmary. 

"Lance.. We need to go." 

Lance continued to stare at his hand.

"..Where?" 

"To the infirmary." 

Lance didn't move.

"Lance! Let's go!" 

"No." 

Keith let out a frustrated groan and moved to pick up Lance.

"Come on-!"

Lance pushed him away and screamed at the top of his lungs. 

Keith backed away.

"What is wrong with you!?" 

"I told you not to touch me!" 

Keith looked down at the blood on the floor.

"Okay! I won't touch you but we need to go!" 

Lance sat there for a few seconds before hesitantly getting up and walking over to the door.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lance sat down in a chair while Keith rummaged through the cabinets. 

"Here, I found this weird goo stuff to clean the cut." 

Lance flinched as Keith rubbed the goo on his cut. 

"Does it hurt?" 

"No, it was just cold." 

Lance rubbed the goo in and started to wrap his hand up in bandages. 

"Lance..?" 

"What?" 

Keith awkwardly crossed his arms.

"I know you probably don't want to talk to me but um.. Why were you out of your room?" 

Lance looked up at him. 

"I couldn't sleep so I decided to get some water and take a walk." 

"But you know-" 

Lance sighed.

"Yeah I know I'm not supposed to be by myself." 

It stayed quiet for a few minutes before Keith spoke again. 

"Why were you acting like that?" 

"..I think it might have been the pill I had earlier." 

"What pill?!" 

Lance leaned back in the chair.

"Calm down. Pidge and Coran gave it to me. They said it was weird.." 

Keith frowned.

"Do you still want to- Uh, you know..?" 

Lance glared at him. 

"You're really horrible at this."

"Just answer the question." 

Lance rolled his eyes.

"You're gonna have to be more specific than that."

"You know what I'm asking!" 

Lance stood up. 

"Do I still want to die? Honestly, I don't know! I do know that I wish I would have stayed on earth! With my family and my meds! But no, I had to be an idiot and try to sneak out!"

Lance started to cry.

"I wouldn't have ever been forced to be with you! But I wouldn't have met Coran or Allura, I would never have gotten to pilot a real ship and I would still cry in my dorm every night because my boyfriend just disappeared! I thought he was dead- I would have never known-!" 

Lance covered his face with his hands and started to sob. 

"Hey- Um, let's go to your room, okay?" 

Lance shook his head no. 

"...Then, my room?" 

Lance thought for a second before nodding his head.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Keith sat down on his bed next to Lance. 

"...Can I touch you now?" 

Lance glared at him through his tears before quickly nodding.

Keith gulped before wrapping Lance in a hug. 

"I'm so, so, so sorry. I never knew what was going on, I'm so stupid." 

Lance hugged him back. 

"I fucking hate you! Why'd we always have to be so mean to each other!?"

"Because you insisted that we were rivals." 

Lance hugged Keith tighter. 

"No, not anymore."

Keith smiled.

"Oh-! I'm not sleeping with Shiro, by the way. He's like my older brother! I've never even slept with anyone-" 

Lance snorted.

"Keith Kogane is a  _virgin?"_

Keith rolled his eyes.

"I'm trying to be nice right now-" 

"I know, I was just joking."

They laid on Keith’s bed in silence for a long time just thinking.

Keith turned to Lance.

"What did you mean earlier? About you being at the garrison and thinking your  _boyfriend_ was  _dead?"_

Lance gasped.

"Did I really say that?!" 

"Yeah. Were you guys-?" 

"No! We weren't!" 

Keith eyes widened before he looked back at the ceiling. 

"You don't have to lie.."

Lance took a deep breath before sighing.

"You can't tell anyone, especially Shiro."

Keith nodded. 

"Promise you won't tell anyone!" 

"I promise I won't tell anyone." 


	9. Rivals: Part 2

"I was sixteen when I met Shiro. I thought he was amazing and I had the biggest crush on him. I was still struggling with some stuff at the time and he was older than me so I never did anything about it. But then one day I was walking to the cafeteria and of course I wasn't paying attention so I walked right into him. Iverson was there so he started going off on me about how I could have injured my superior but Shiro just looked at me and said 'Wow, you have the most beautiful eyes..' Isn't that crazy?!"

Lance turned to face Keith who quickly nodded.

"Anyways, then he freaked out and apologized. The next day he invited me to have lunch with him, I went of course. We got to know each other and we had lunch together every Wednesday."

Keith sighed.

"I always wondered where he went on Wednesdays.."

"Then one day while we were eating, he told me he had been chosen for the Kerberos mission and that he would be leaving in three months. Of course I was happy for him but-"

"I know the feeling."

"So, I thought 'I need to tell him how I feel.' I didn't know when I'd see him again and I'd rather get rejected than be pining after a man in space."

Lance took a deep breath.

"The month before Kerberos I told him to meet me after dinner on the observation deck. I prepared to get rejected and I told him how I felt."

"..What'd he say?"

Lance held back his tears.

"He told me he felt the same way. I was so shocked, I started crying. He hugged me and told me it was  _okay_ and that he cared about me so much. We never did anything of course, he would kiss me on my forehead but that was it. Then the big day came and I didn't know what to do. He was with you for the most part but before he left he- oh god." 

Lance grabbed on to Keith’s hand before quickly letting go. 

"Sorry-!"

"It's okay, I don't mind."

Keith grabbed on to Lances hand and squeezed it. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"He told me he would call me whenever he could and then he  _kissed_  meand told me he  _loved_ me. Then he left. It had been a few months and he had told me he'd call me tomorrow. I waited and waited. I told myself he was just busy but then I heard what everyone was saying. 'The mission failed. They're all  _dead._ ' I couldn't believe it. I-"

Lance swallowed the lump in his throat.

"I relapsed that night. Hunk found out and made me promise I wouldn't  _ever_ do it again. I broke it. I broke the promise." 

Lance squeezed Keiths hand and started to cry.

"Um- ..When was the first time you, uh,  _did it_ _?"_

"..I was fourteen. My older sister, Elina, was twenty six. She was in the car with her husband, William, and my niece, Kathryn. They were driving to our house because I was sick and no one else could take care of me. I told them I was old enough to help myself but Elina insisted that they come. I waited all day for them. It was 5:32 when my brother called me. A drunk driver had hit their car, Will and Elina died on impact and Kat was in the hospital. She passed away a few hours later." 

Lance started to shake, Keith squeezed his hand in an attempt to comfort him.

"She was only three years old, it was all my fault. I'm the one who went swimming and stayed in my wet clothes, if I hadn't gotten sick they would have never-" 

"...It's not your fault, Lance. It's the drivers fault." 

Lance wiped his tears. 

"I started cutting after that. Four months later I got into my bath tub and I- ...Well you get it. My brother Sam found me. I was taken to the ER and put on suicide watch. My family was so upset and Hunk didn't let me out of his sight for months. I was okay until Kerberos, then I got better again. I never believed Shiro was dead but some nights I would start to wonder if he really was.." 

Keith hugged Lance and smiled sadly.

"I know how that feels." 

Lance hugged him back before pulling away. 

"The night we found Shiro I was so happy. But he didn't remember me. 'Lance, right?' Yeah it's me, Lance! How are you supposed to tell someone that you're their boyfriend? I almost relapsed but I told myself no use crying over spilt milk." 

"Lance.."

"After we had been in the ship for about a year he came to my room in the middle of the night. He hugged me and told me he remembered everything. You know, I slapped him. I couldn't believe that after all that he just showed up in the middle of the night-" 

Lance took a deep breath.

"I know it wasn't his fault. I was just so upset. I think he feels guilty about being with me. Since he started dating me when I was still technically a child. I know that's why he only kisses me... Why he  _barely_ kisses me." 

Lance started crying again and Keith wrapped him in another hug. 

"Let's get some sleep, okay?" 

Lance nodded his head and they both got comfortable. 

"Thank you, Keith." 

Keith smiled at Lance. "No problem." 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shiro knocked on Keith’s door.

"Keith wake up, Lance is missing." 

The room on the other side of the door stayed silent.

"I'm coming in." 

Shiro walked into Keith’s room and froze.

Keith had his arm around Lance and they were both fast asleep. 

He quickly walked out of the room and made his way to the kitchen.

Hunk looked up at him.

"Where's Keith?"

"He's sleeping."

"Any sign of Lance?"

Shiro leaned against the wall.

"He's with Keith."

"Wha- Where?!" 

"In his bed." 

Hunk looked at him in surprise.

"What, why?!"

"I- ..I don't know."


	10. Rough Night

Lance woke up to the feeling of warmth. 

He automatically snuggled into the person holding him.

"Mmm.. Good morning, Kashi." 

Lance turned to look at his lover before gasping.

"Keith-!? Oh!" 

Lance quickly turned to look at the clock. 

**13:27 CT**

"Keith, wake up!" 

Keith groaned before turning to face the wall.

"Come on! It's already past noon! Everyone's probably freaking out!"

Keith sat up and rubbed his eyes. 

"It's fine, we'll just tell them what happened."

Lance got out of the bed and put his shoes on. 

"..Don't tell them everything." 

"I'll just say that I found you on the observation deck, brought you back here and we went to sleep." 

Lance sighed before nodding his head and walking into the bathroom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Keith and Lance ran into the control room to find Allura, Coran and Pidge.

Lance tried to catch his breath. 

"I'm sooooo sorry! I was with Keith-!" 

Allura interrupted him.

"We already know. We would just like to know  _why_ you were with him." 

Keith crossed his arms.

"I found Lance on the observation deck. He was acting weird so I took him back to my room and we went to sleep. I'm sorry I didn't let anyone know." 

Coran gasped. "Oh! It must have been the pill!"

Lance nodded.

"Come here! Let me see!" 

Lance walked over to Coran and took his bandages off.

"Great! There's still scarring of course but that's to be expected-! Wait, why is your hand bandaged?" 

Keith spoke up. 

"He dropped his cup last night and accidentally cut himself while we were cleaning up."

Pidge looked at him in suspicion. 

"...You're sure it was an accident?" 

"Yes." 

Lance looked at Allura. 

"How did you know I was with Keith?" 

"Shiro told us. He went to get Keith and saw you two sleeping."

Keith’s eyes widened. "What?! Where is he?!" 

"In the kitchen, with Hunk." 

Keith ran out of the room.

Pidge turned to face Lance.

"Shouldn't you go too? He's the only person you haven't talked to."

Lance looked down at the ground. 

"I don't know if I can face him yet.."

Coran placed his hand on his shoulder. 

"Just talk to him when your ready." 

Lance nodded before looking back at Pidge. 

"Could you take me to him?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Keith ran into the kitchen. 

Shiro and Hunk looked at him in surprise. 

Hunk sighed in relief.

"Jeez, you almost gave me a heart attack!"

"Sorry. Shiro, wanna go train?" 

Shiro stood up.

"..Sure, is that okay with you?" 

Hunk nodded.

"Yeah, go ahead."

A few minutes after Shiro and Keith left, Lance and Pidge walked in. 

"You're finally awake!"

Lance smiled.

"Yeah sorry, last night was weird. Where's Keith and Shiro?" 

"They just left to go train."

Pidge turned to leave.

"Okay, I'm heading back. I still have work to do." 

"See ya." 

Hunk looked back at Lance.

"So, do you want to go see them?"

"Actually, I need to talk to you." 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hunk sat down the recipe book he was holding. "Ok, what's up?" 

Lance sat down and took a deep breath.

"Last night I told Keith everything."

"Everything?"

" _Everything."_

Hunk leaned back against the counter. "..So he knows about Elina."

Lance nodded. 

"It's good that you opened up to someone else." 

Lance nodded again and looked down at the ground.

"I told him something else too, something I never told you." 

"What?"

"I had to keep it a secret!"

Hunk walked over to Lance and grabbed his hand.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm not mad."

Lance squeezed his hand. 

"I was dating Shiro at the garrison." 

Hunks eyes widened.

"Wha-?! Why didn't you tell me?!" 

"I didn't want anyone to get in trouble! I'm sorry I never told you."

Hunk frowned.

"I knew you liked him but I never thought-" 

"Yeah, I never thought I'd be dating him either..." 

Hunk hugged Lance.

"..That's why you relapsed that night. You should have told me, Lance!" 

Lance hugged him back and started crying.

"He didn't remember me when we found him. It took him a year! It took him a year to remember me.."

"That's not his fault.."

"I know that! It still hurt me though.." 

Hunk went back to leaning on the counter.

"Have you talked to him?"

"..Not yet."

"You need too."

Lance sighed.

"I know." 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shiro sat down on the floor next to Keith.

"That's enough for today."

Keith turned to face him.

"I'm sorry I slept in today." 

"It's fine. We all deserve to sleep in."

"..I know it was probably really weird to see that." 

Shiro looked at him in confusion.

"What?" 

"Lance and me, he was just having a rough night and he didn't wanna go back to his room." 

"..Oh no, it's not weird! I was just surprised-" 

Keith looked at him.

"I don't understand why everyone... feels the need to lie to me. You've been acting weird this whole time."

Shiro sighed.

"When did you two get so close?" 

"I already told you he was just having a rough night and I couldn't just leave him there." 

"You had your arm around him." 

Keith groaned.

"He was crying! I was comforting him, it's not what you think!"

"Wait, he was crying?"

Keith crossed his arms.

"I'm not supposed to be telling you this but he told me about the Garrison."

Shiro looked at him in shock.

"What do you mean?" 

"He told me that you two were _together_ at the Garrison."


	11. Secrets

"Lance told you this?"

Keith nodded.

"..I'm not supposed to say anything, I promised him." 

"What else did he say?"

"I can't tell you. You need to talk to him-" 

Shiro suddenly stood up.

"Lance doesn't want to talk to me. He made that obvious when he went to your room."

Keith stared at him in shock.

"Wha-?! You're acting like a  _child!_ What do you think happened?! I told you we just talked and went to sleep!"

"I don't know what happened. You keep adding more to the story so how do I know you didn't-" 

Keith stood and glared at him.

"I would  _never_ do that to you _or_ Lance. He love’s you and I would never take advantage of someone, especially in his situation! You're overreacting and you need to get your shit together before this whole team falls apart!" 

Shiro crossed his arms and frowned.

"Do  _not_ speak to me like that."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lance and Hunk walked on to the training deck and froze. 

Hunk stepped in front of Lance. 

"What are you two doing?"

Keith and Shiro both looked over at Hunk. 

Keith leaned the wall.

"Nothing, just talking." 

"About?"

Shiro caught sight of Lance.

"Secrets."

Lance's eyes widened and he turned to look at Keith. 

"Secrets?"

Keith glared at Shiro.

"What are you-!"

Shiro stared at Lance.

"I was just saying how I hate it when I tell someone to keep something a secret and they tell everyone." 

Lance swallowed the lump in his throat.

"....I'm sorry."

"What? Why are you sorry?" 

Lance didn't answer. He could feel his throat tightning as he struggled to breathe. Tears started to fill his eyes and he quickly turned away. 

Shiro realized what was happening and immediately regretted what he had said, he started to run over to Lance.

"Wait-" 

Hunk quickly got between them.

"Stop. You've done enough. You too, Keith."

Hunk grabbed Lance’s hand and squeezed it.

"Deep breath’s buddy. Just like Elina said." 

Lance tried to stop crying as he gained control of his breathing. 

"There we go. How about we go back to my room?"

Lance turned to look at Keith. 

"I trusted you, asshole! What happened to our promise?! I told you about the Garrison! I told you about Elina!" 

Lance pointed at Shiro, his eyes staying on Keith. 

"I told you about the night he  _disappeared!_ _I told you everything!_ You promised not to tell but you did! _"_

Keith moved towards him.

"I only said I knew about the Garrison-"

"I don't care."

"Lance-!"

Lance avoided eye contact with everyone.

"I don't care anymore. Tell them. Tell _everyone._  I give up, I can't do it anymore. Please don't try to stop me." 

Lance ran out the door. 

Hunk immediately started chasing him.

"Keith, go get the others! Shiro, come with me!"

Shiro quickly followed Hunk out of the room.

Keith stood there for a few seconds before running to the control room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lance ran down the hallway as fast as he could. 

He made his way to the stairs before running up. He could hear Shiro and Hunk yelling for him but he blocked them out. 

 _**You're so close. You can't hesitate this**_ **_time. Just jump._ **

Shiro grabbed Lance's shirt and pulled him back. 

"Stop-!"

Shiro pulled him on to the floor and held him.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Don't do this again. I can't,  _I can't do this again!"_

Lance tried to push him away.

"I hate you!"

"I love you! I love you so much, Lance. Don't leave me, please don't leave me." 

Lance looked up at him. 

"You can't say that when you left me!"

Shiro froze. 

"You left me, Kashi! I was alone! Then when I finally found you, you didn't even  _remember me!_ I wanted to die! I still want to-!"

Shiro hugged him tighter. 

"Don't say that."

"I want to  _die_ , Kashi! I have no purpose! I shouldn't even be here! I shouldn't be with you. I'm completely worthless."


	12. Lunch

"You're not worthless-"

"I'm the weakest link! You would all be fine without me here, it would be better!"

"It wouldn't be the same without you here! We all need you, I need you! I know it hurt when I didn't recognize you but every time I looked at you I felt  _something_ there. I knew we had some past connection, I love you so much. There's no way I could permanently forget  _you._ When I saw you up on that balcony I couldn't- Just the thought of losing you.. Why didn't you tell me about any of this?! I should have realized-"

Lance wrapped his arms around Shiro.

"I should have told you, I was just scared. Hunk was the only one who knew, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything, I never should’ve told you how I felt. I’m so stupid-“

“Shh, you’re not stupid. I’m so glad you told me, I’m so happy that you’re mine. Please, don’t do this anymore. We’ll get through this together, you and me. The team is there for us too. Nothing would be the same without you, I wouldn’t be able to go on without you.” 

Shiro pulled Lance into a tight embrace and pressed multiple kisses against his forehead.

Lance’s eyes flooded with tears and he began to shake against Shiro as he sobbed. 

“..When you were up there on that balcony, why’d you let go like you were the only one holding on?”

Lance froze in place, guilt washing over him.

“Just- Just the thought of losing you, scares me _so_ much.” 

Lance could feel Shiro begin to shake slightly before a sob escaped from his mouth. 

“I don’t want to lose you, Lance. I can’t lose you! I wouldn’t be able-!”

Shiro interrupted himself with another sob.

Lance looked up at him only to see tears running down his cheeks.

“Oh, no- Kashi, please don’t cry. I hate it when you cry.” 

Lance had only seen his boyfriend this upset once before, when they had failed to save a group of alien children and had to break the news to their parents. 

Shiro had to be excused back to the ship early and Lance had held him in their bed as he cried from the guilt. 

Lance wiped Shiro’s tears away and quickly kissed his cheek.

“I’m here, it’s okay. I won’t go anywhere, I promise. How about we go to our room? Maybe Hunk can make us something nice to eat, I’m sure he will if we ask. We can just lay in bed and talk about everything, I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shiro and Lance walked through the castle to their room, their hands intertwined as Shiro gently pulled Lance along behind him.

Once they reached their room Lance led Shiro to their bed, he sat down and motioned for Shiro to join him. 

Shiro sat down across from him, grabbing his hand again.

“You don’t have to tell me anything until you’re ready. I don’t want you to feel rushed, I can wait until you’re comfortable.”

Lance smiled and wrapped his arms around Shiro.

“Thank you for being so understanding.. I’m sorry I put you through this, I love you.”

“I would be willing to go through anything for you, I hope you know that. I love you too, Lance. I love you so much.” 

“Kashi..”

Shiro smiled and carefully ran his fingers through Lance’s hair.

“Mhm?”

Lance pulled away slightly, his face now a few inches from Shiro’s.  

“Will you.. kiss me? Please..?”

Shiro’s eyes widened in surprise for a moment before he smiled softly. 

“..If you’ll allow me too, then of course.”

Lance quickly nodded, Shiro cupped his face gently and leaned in. 

They kissed slowly, their lips just lightly brushing against each other. 

Lance let out a small whimper, catching Shiro off guard. 

He groaned in annoyance as he felt arousal begin to fill his gut. He grasped on to Lance, deepening the kiss. 

Lance gasped quietly before kissing him back and beginning to tremble. 

Shiro immediately pulled back, his brows knitted.

“I’m sorry, that was too much, are you okay?!”

Lance’s lashes fluttered as he breathed heavily and stared at Shiro in awe. 

“I’m fine, I haven’t- You’ve never kissed me like that before- I was just kinda... surprised.”

Lance felt his face flush and he quickly looked away.

“It was nice..”

Shiro’s face began to turn crimson and he chuckled nervously before smiling.

“It was nice. You’re okay though, right? I didn’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with?”

“Of course not! I would have said something if I wasn’t okay with it...”

Lance looked back at Shiro, swallowing the lump in his throat. 

“Could we.. do it again?”

Shiro quickly nodded and moved back towards Lance.

The bedroom door suddenly flew open, the couple looked over in surprise as they moved away from each other.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Keith stood with wide eyes and a red face as he remained frozen in the doorway. Pidge and Hunk stood behind him, both equally as embarrassed.

“I should have knocked-! I was just worried and Hunk said you were fine but-!”

Shiro made his way over to the door, smiling nervously.

“It’s fine, we should have gone to talk to you right away. Sorry for worrying everyone.”

Lance stood up and walked to the door, leaning around Shiro so he could see the rest of his teammates.

“I’m sorry.. For everything.”

Keith swallowed the lump in his throat and glanced at Lance.

“I’m.. Sorry for breaking our promise.”

“It’s okay, mullet.”

Keith smiled at the use of the nickname. Pidge suddenly cleared her throat.

“Well, another reason we came to find you is to tell you that we are going to go home. It won’t be permanent but we’ll all get to see our families and basically take a little break. Things aren’t that bad with the empire right now so we’re going to leave it to the rebels.”

Lance’s eyes widened as he stared at Pidge who couldn’t contain her grin. 

“Are you serious?! Allura and Coran agreed to this?!” 

Pidge nodded, her grin not falling from her face. Lance felt tears begin to fill his eyes, he smiled and pulled Pidge into a hug. 

“Oh my god! Thank you so much, Pidge! This is amazing!”

Pidge hugged him back.

“Shiro’s the one who said something this morning, I just helped back him up. They made up their mind about an hour ago.”

Lance turned to Shiro in surprise.

”Really?”

“I did promise you..”

Lance wrapped his arms around his boyfriend. 

“Thank you, Kashi! You’re the best, this is some of the greatest news I've gotten since we got up here!”

“I just want you to be happy, I’d do anything for that.” 

Hunk suddenly spoke up.

“Um.. Not to interrupt, but we’re actually going to be getting home around dinner so anything you want to take off the ship needs to be packed up by then.” 

Shiro and Lance stared at him with wide eyes.

“That soon?! Are you serious?!”

Hunk nodded at Lance.

“We have to start packing then-!”

Lance turned to move towards the closet but Shiro placed his hand on his shoulder. 

“Hey, I know you’re excited but how about we get something to eat first?”

Keith sighed in relief.

“Please, I haven’t eaten at all today.”

Hunk smiled at the group.

“I was actually almost finished with lunch so this is perfect timing!”

Shiro looked down at Lance with a smile.

“Lunch?”

Lance smiled at him before grabbing his hand as the others started to make their way to the kitchen.

”Yeah, lunch.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god i can’t believe it’s been like a year since i’ve updated this i’m soooooo sorry it took so long i do plan to continue and finish this so thank you to the people who stayed around :’)  
> also sorry for the short update the other ones will be longer


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